I don’t always feel like doing life anymore. I am happy, probably the happiest I’ve ever been, but when the waves of the world toss me around, I don’t feel strong enough to fight against the currents. I think I’d rather let myself go with the flow and be pulled under if that’s where I end up. If only the turbulent winds would just carry me away to a place where only love and acceptance exist. But that is not the life I have been born into, and that is not the life I’ll ever know.
As summer turns to fall, I find I’m missing you. Your face I can hardly recall, yet still, I’m missing you. And when summer at last returns, I’ll be lost in all my usual concerns, but once again missing you, when that first leaf falls.
I keep track of all the days in between; the ones when you don’t say you love me. And during those days, my heart beats a little less enthusiastically, the sighs are a little longer, and my shoulders slump a little more. Sometimes the longing and the aching can be almost unbearable. But then I think back to all the times when those three little words were never spoken at all; all those years filled with such a lonely longing in my chest. I know I will never be in that place again because you always remind me of that with your steadfast presence every day. And when that realization hits me, that you’re not leaving me, I’m finally able to stop myself from falling, cradling my mind, and finding comfort in my own embrace. It’s in that nurtured state that I somehow find a way to let go of the demons which harbor my weary discontent. And eventually, that nagging feeling starts to evaporate, disintegrating bit by bit in every relaxing exhale, calming a little more in every deep breath. I’m never quite the same, though, as my own strength can never carry me all the way through. And so I wait patiently until you’re here again, reminding me that love is more than words. But because you know I need to hear it, you expose your stubborn soul to me, finally giving in to my neediness. And that’s when my heart explodes in reassured joy because your loving words mean everything to me. And even though I already know you love me, the reminder frees my soul and refuels my spirit.
Loneliness it comes in many forms and I have known them all. But I think the loneliest times are when I’m surrounded by a sea of expressionless faces. Those empty-eyed, silent beings always appear to be lost in mind-numbing, alien-sweeping, brain-snatching activity. And if I stare intently enough, focusing long and hard enough, I can almost see those denatured souls being surreptitiously sucked out of every finger-tapping mortal who has unknowingly fallen victim to the technological advances of our times. It often leaves me queasy and fearfully uneasy. For I must admit that I too, have fallen subject to the interest of self-isolation within the matrix. Using it as a security blanket for companionship because community no longer exists within the confines of my existence. There are instances when I do attempt to turn the world around. And with desperate breath I try to disengage from the illuminated rectangle nestled nice and neat between my pale palms. But then loneliness sneaks in, finding me once again. And the screen in my hands becomes the only life left to be found.